Don’t Lose Your Three Year Old. (And, Be Happy.)
I run a teen leadership program at my snow sports school near Seattle. This fun program produces some of our greatest instructors; they teach three-year-olds to ski in the morning, and then go exploring with me in the afternoon.
Last winter, James was struggling with the demands and stresses and fears that teens grow up with these days. He’s a gentle kid and a natural leader. But the way he was living his life just wasn’t lining up with the way his mind works most naturally and easily.
In our program, the kids and I explored how they could design lives for themselves that are fulfilling and meaningful. We got really curious about how they could tell if they were on track–not just as ski instructors, but as emerging adults.
We came up with two rules:
- Don’t lose your three-year-old
- Be happy
That was it. Simple!
Through last spring, summer and fall, James took a good look at his schedule and activities, grades, homework . . . and life in general. He asked what really mattered to him, what he really wanted, what he was willing to do, and what he could let go of. He began to make the tough choices.
And the other day, James told me that he’s redesigned his life. He dropped wrestling (the coach always demanded ’110%,’ which is both absurd and damaging, but that’s another story), and didn’t join the time-consuming rugby club he’d been excited about.
Instead, he chose to buckle down on his homework and get the good grades that were within his reach with a little more focus. And, he has lots more time to be with his friends, play guitar and teach (he’s a ski instructor this year).
Last winter, James was struggling and stressed. This winter, he’s obviously happy and fulfilled. He’s focused on the treasure he wants now. He knows that his Treasure Hunt includes not losing his three year old (being proud of his school work, spending time with friends, skiing), and being happy (in the sense of, “I’m living my life”).
And if a sixteen-year-old can find that treasure, can’t we all?
What’s going on in James’ Brain?
Behind James’ experience is a fundamental dynamic of how the brain functions.
The brain deals exclusively in patterns. That’s all our brains are doing: recognizing, checking out, managing, predicting, storing and otherwise working with patterns.
There are two kinds of patterns brains really pay attention to:
- Potential Threats
- Novel Stimulus
In the case of a twenty-first century American teenager, I can imagine there are some big potential threats the brain is paying attention to:
- I’m going to fail the math test.
- I’m not going to get into college.
- I’m doing all this work so I can get a boring job in a cubicle.
- If I ask her out will she laugh at me?
(Oh, the memories!)
And at that age, there’s plenty of novel stimulus:
- I can drive!
- History is cool.
- Rugby! Wrestling! Skiing! Girls!
When your brain starts to see a lot of threats (most of which aren’t really threats), or lots of novel stimulus, it can’t focus well on anything else. In fact, neuroscience shows that faced with a threat or novel stimulus, your brain will shift its resources away from most everything else.
But, the better you get at recognizing patterns-whether they’re threat patterns, novel stimulus, or just that same old thought that runs through your head over and over-the more easily you can play with them, and put them to work for you.
You can find a way to navigate through those patterns so that you have the life and experience you want. That’s what James did when he started to get curious about what was really going on in his life, and became willing to play with new paths and choices.
You can play with your brain until you find yourself focused on your three-year-old (those things that really matter to you) and on being deeply and profoundly happy.
And if you do want to play with your brain, be sure to read What Are You Already Paying Attention To? for a quick Treasure Hunt, and one that will take some time.